Friday, November 28, 2003
Hearing:
Being lazy again.. Haven been updating huh. Lol. Was watching Holland V earlier.. Yang Xiong's actions made me think of her.. I cried though. What can I do? Loving in silence.. Tried hard to forget. Tried hard to let go. Almost succeed.. But failed anyway.
But it's okay. I guess time heals everything. I'll forget bout her in no time at all...
Nothing much today.
Had supper with family.... Went to open letter box after it. Found a letter addressed
to ME. Hmm.... Interesting. "Edusave Merit Bursary" First thought: Money ar?
Cant be sia.... I so lousy. Government give me money for what?!
But I wasn't wrong... not totally wrong.
It was for some dunno what top 10% pupils who performed well academically or shown improvement blah blah blah. Not sure la. Read till forget le... So anyway. We just have to apply for it. And if we get it.... then, good news. Cause I suppose if next year I get top 10%..... I'll have $250. Cool.
So...... Amanda, gambatte neh. I'll work hard. I wont let anyone down. Especially if I got money take. Wahahahahahah!
Okay.
I'll let this lonely place with this short entry...
So much on my boring life.
Ta-ta!
Catch ya 'round..........
SOON.
I hope. \/peace
buy me a tiara and some stars;
11:42:00 PM
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Hearing:
Agrh............. Stupid mosqito. Itching like mad. And I found out. My shuai shuai de's only 18. Haha. Temp stuff like me =) Went to the Singapore Blooms on Sunday with family.. Was trying real hard to hide my face in order not to let anyone regconise me. But I failed anyway. So decided not to hide anymore. My shuai shuai de regconised me. "Hey.. That's one of our stuff....." Haha. And for the past few days.. On my way to work, was listening to Energy's previous cds. Listened to their first album. If only they could do another album up to this kinda standard.. They all sounded so... innocent. And look at them now. Sighs. Guess this what popularity can do to you. I want the old them back~! And how friends fell out with one another because of money. Kinda stupid. But it happened to me before. Lost a dear friend cause of M.O.N.E.Y. Didn't think it was stupid last time. But now.. since I've grown up quite abit. I find it stupid. And I found that dear friend on friendster..
Gonna get my books on Saturday. Ah.... finally. I gonna study. Real hard. For next year and for N's. If I'm lucky... I'll get to do my O's. And get to poly. And maybe work for a year.. Once I saved enough, I go to Uni. But all these are just empty talk. I'll try my best though. To get my ass a place in the Uni. I have to.... To get a good job and live a good life. Wanna give my mama a good life too.....
So anyway. Been very lazy these few days. Didn't blog. Cause didn't feel like coming online. Been MIA for 5 days. And right now, I'm hungry. Wanna go for dinner...... *smiles* "So hold me... and never let me go.. Cause I'll be loving. I'll be loving you forever and ever...."
buy me a tiara and some stars;
6:21:00 PM
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Hearing:
Yay!! Finally.. First time online since the day I started work. And typing feels so comfy. Haha. Working was... alright. Very tired that's all. Though only worked for 4.5 hours. But. 5.80 an hour so.. I'll persevre. Yeah. Count ticket stubs till I dream bout it. Sheesh. Met lots of people. Nice ones. Bad ones. Most were.. Nice. Friendly. My shuai shuai de said 'bye' to me yesterday.. Haha. And nope. He's not a part timer like me. He works for the company I think. Whatever company it is. Sembcorp? Nah. Epc? I dont know.... Got kinda noticed him cause of his specs. Haha. And no! I didn't sell tees~!! I was at the ticketing counter today and most of the time. Yesterday was counting ticket stubs. The day before was at the hall of blooms.. opening and closing doors for people. Done the tearing of tickets during one day. Not sure which day. Three more days and I'm free... Working is tough. It's my first, ya? My other shuai shuai de didn't come today.. Not sure if I'm able to see him tomorrow. Ehahaha. The security person was so bored today that he helped with the coupons and site maps. But stopped after awhile. He's pretty lame. Especially yesterday. "........Papaya in purple plastic bag..." "Huh? I cant hear you. Please speak louder" Bleahs. So, he repeated and repeated. We all sat there and am cio. *Bish. Maybe he was shy... I suppose he was talking about this female customer. Today was not a bad day. Yesterday was worse. Today had the familar people around me.. Talked and laughed. Especially bout this guy who signed off as "the stupid idiot who paid $5 to see some stupid flowers" Whahahahaha. Yeah. I admit. It's a lil expensive. Since it's just flowers. You see flowers everywhere here in Singapore. Greenary's everywhere. Hope tomorrow's just like today. Fun.. time passed rather fast today. Counted ticket stubs for awhile. Changed duties with this jc guy. Yep. Had no customers so went over to help so they could finish faster and go home. I've seen flowers for four days in a row. Boring... Haha. Was beside the ticketing counter yesterday when two sembcorp stuff came to take over at the issueing of tix. Man. Those two are... really. Puke sia. Complain and ask so many questions. "What if a problem arises. Who's responsible?" Stupid fool. How do you expect to close accounts in the middle of the day when the crowd's pouring in? Fools.
I worked for only four days and I already know everything. Haha. Krisflyers to tear tix from a different booklet. Ntuc income holders are to go to Bras Pasar to get their discounts. Senior citizens 60 and above are entitled to a 50% discounts. That's 2.50 per ticket. Child is 3-6. Haha. I even helped out Joanne who was doing the issueing of tix. It's her first time.. She keeps forgetting that Krisflyers are to be torn from another booklet. Yeah..
Other then work, work, work.. Nothing else. All that revolves round my world now is work. But it's at the Esplanade.. so it's alright. Cause I love that place. Yay. Met Jacintha there today. She was so surprised that I was working there. Haha. At least the pay's not so bad. It's good, I should say. After sunday.. will be resting for a week before I start hunting for another job. Money. Here I come. Haha. Started my friendster thingy. She has one too.. she's on my sis' account. Cant add here cause I cant. Simple as that. Yep. I cant, I cant, I cant. Haven seen my friends for a long time now... Cause of work, cant make it to go out with them today. Argh. Should have ask if I could swop shifts. Bleahs.... I dont think so. Just a 14 year old... Argh. Why cant I be older. You see, the older part timers seem to be given more piorities and speaking space. I dont see them ordering those peeps to do stuff. And me? Urgh. It's ugly. Corrupted world. Equality's missing. "..We pledge to keep our nation free with justice and EQUALITY......" Ya. What a shitified talk. Then, I learnt something.. Public relations is a fun thing. Meet this lady.. who issued tix. Was working along side with her. She's mixed, I think. Abit of a idian. She spoke some chinese which I thought was pretty cool. HAha. At least it's biao jun. Haha. So... I guess this all makes up for the three days I went missing. =P Just pray that everything goes well like today and that I wont be stuck counting ticket stubs. *crosses fingers*
buy me a tiara and some stars;
11:28:00 PM
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Hearing:
My arms are aching..... Dont know why. I'm tired and sleepy. And no, didn't get surf shorts today.. Cause we went to np one.. and there wasn't many. Yep. So.. didn't see one I really, really liked. The result? Didn't get any. Duh.
Anyway, I'm starting on my first job tomorrow.. at I dont know where. At esplanade I suppose. Cousie never say... Will be selling tees. Haha. Will find out more tomorrow. Man... Tomorrow must wake up super early. 9 must be ready. *Bish..
Got job. No freedom. Ah.... That's life. I feel life.. finally. [Urgh... My feet stinks. -.-]
Kinda..... excited bout it? I dont know... Half excited, half scared. Cause I dont know what I'll be doing. And I dont really like meeting people. As in..... salesperson sort of thingy. Got phobia.... But anyways. Meeting more people and enlarging my social circle is nice. =) My social circle is really really small sia. I suppose it's partly because I dont have a cca. Well, just started out on this friendster thingy. Cause Pauline asked me too. And I know if I say I dont want. She'll bug till I agree. And it was 2am when we messaged. Yeah........ My beauty sleep.. *Poof! Gone............ Blebbers. I'm nuts~
Overall, today was pretty nice. Except for the 5566 part. No.... Went home before they came. Partly because I cant find Edith and there's no cd.. and my sticky-ness was killing me. And..... I was pushed all the way to da back. And I mean back. Man.... I suppose this was the worst. Cause the part when everyone started pushing.... And squeezing. I was squashed. And it felt like someone squeezing your lungs. Exiting all passages for air. Felt so puctured. Haha. But.. while queueing.. it was fun. Sat down.. Talk, talk, talk and talk. Mostly about that 'woman' and other stuff... like exams and so. The worst was...... when that 'woman' called Ed about this 5566 thingy. Cant really remember the details. Then... when Ed said she's with me, Amanda. She was like,"Amanda?" "...Yeah.. Amanda". Somehow.. she couldn't believe. Then, "Amanda? MY Amanda?" "Ya. Amanda". Hey... excuse me. Since when have I become YOURS? Man...... I was so grossed out the whole day. Pi. Dont wanna be yours and yours alone. I belong to my mama and everyone who loves me equally. *smiles. So anyway. That 'woman' couldn't link me and Ed together. She thinks we're some strangers. And no..... we're not. We DO stay in contact. Unlike some peeps who contact others only when needed. And that needed stands for when she benefits from it. Argh. Corruptable. And I've learnt a valuble lesson from that taka thingy where I got so dark. Never to trust someone so easily and so much. Now I know who my real friends are. Real friends never leave someone down and out. Reals friends dont make use of you. Wo xin li you shu. Shui dui wo hao, shui dui wo bu hao..... wo yi qing er chu. And sorry gurlie, you're not my real friend. And I'm being nice to you because I find you pathetic. Hopefully one day, she'll wake up and find no one beside her. No friends, no foes. You're by yourself, honey. You're by yourself. Pathetic moron.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
9:30:00 PM
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Hearing:
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.
His name is Jin.
I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved
each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side,
there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl...
"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.
"I can't"
"Why? You need to study at home?" I felt disappointment grabbing me.
"No.. I am going to meet a friend..."
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word 'love' only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say 'I love you' before. To us, there weren't any anniversaries at
all. He didn't say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days..
200days... Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don't know why...
Then one day...
Me: Um, Jin, I ...
Jin: What....don't drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ......you....um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my 'three words' and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many...
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But... lunch passed, dinner passed.. and soon the sky was
dark.. he still didn't call............. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin...
Jin: Here..take this.......
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What's this?
Jin: I didn't give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I'm going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted...
"Wait..."
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me...
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
"I don't want to say...that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else."
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb...and I collapsed to the ground. He didn't want to say it easily..
How could he.... I felt that... Maybe he is not the right guy for me... After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn't call me, although I was
waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house.
That's how those dolls piled up in my room... everyday After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that... I saw him on a street..with another girl.. He had a smile on his face, one that he never
showed me..as he touched the doll.. I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell... Why did he gave these to me... Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls... In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that.. it's going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn't help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual...
Me: I don't need it.
Jin: What....why....
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don't need this doll, I don't need it anymore!! I don't want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
"I'm sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll.....
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
Then...
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
"Jin! Move! Move away!" I shouted....
But he didn't hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
"Jin, move!"
HONK~!!
"Boom!" That sound, so terrifying.
That's how he went away from me. That's how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me. After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him.. And after spending two months like a crazy person... I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we
started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days... when we were in love.....
"One...two.... three.."
That was how.... I started to count the dolls....
"Four hundred and eighty four.... four hundred and eighty five...."
It all ended with 485 dolls. I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms.
I hugged it tightly, then suddenly.....
"I love you~, I love you~"
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
"I...lo..ve...you??"
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
"I love you~ I love you~"
It can't be! I pressed all the dolls' stomach as it piled on the side.
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
Those words came out non-stop.
I....love you.....
Why didn't I realize that............. That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn't I realize that he love me this much... I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it's stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much....
"Jo...Do you know what today is? We've been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn't say I love you... Um... since I was too shy.. If you
forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you... everyday... till I die.... Jo... I love you...."
The tears came flowing out of me............. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can't be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute... For that.... and for that reason.... to me.. it became courage.. to live a beautiful life....
Tore this story from an email my cousie sent me... Touching huh. I realised something.... I cry easily these days. And I wanna tell the whole world that I love you. Yes, you. The one reading. I wanna say thanks for everything. And I love you though I never met you. For if tomorrow never comes.. I'll leave with no regrets. I love you.....! Had this poem during lit lesson sometime back.. The Death Machine. Then.. Pauline said "Amanda's favourite.." Guess 'death' been on my lips very often. Face it. Death aint scary. The scariest part is leaving without anyone knowing. Leaving regretting you haven't told the one you've loved with all your heart.. I love you. So right here.... I wanna say. I love you. I dont care if you bother or not. I dont care if you dont know..... I love you and always will. Dont say a thing. Cause I cant handle the truth. And one day....
One day, I believe I'll get over this and live a beautiful life. And find someone worthy of my love....
Received this on fridae from a bung: hi.. saw what you wrote...take heart. Be strong. there will be love for you. take care.
There'll be love for me.......? There will... So stop wasting time on some freaking arsehole..... I cant. I just cant..
buy me a tiara and some stars;
4:59:00 PM
Hearing:
Ahahahaha. My marder so mean. Heex. Said something bout my sis' shorts lining. She cut it away.. I think. Then she said.. eh, cut *beep* hair. Whahahaha.
So mean. Okay, whatever.
Hmm.... slept at 4.30 this morning.. woke up at 9.30. Couldn't sleep! Remember I mention I slept till 5? Okay.. Maybe I didn't. Wasn't feeling well yesterday after I woke up at ten... Yeah... I did mention it. Bleahs. I cant wait for tomorrow~! No.. not because of 5566. But cause of what's happening after it. Will be going to OP with family after the 5566 thingy. Getting surf shorts. Hopefully the one I like is still there........ Water still tastes funny. My throat still feels the same. Argh..... I'll most probably fall sick after tomorrow's thingy. Stomach pain now ar.... I missed X-men evolution today!! So angry can... but didn't miss Spongebob. Manage to watched it though got a lil phobia of that sponge thing. Yeah...
Was surfing the net yesterday. Saw this plastic surgery thing on blogger. Clicked on it.. Ya. It was... funny! Celebs putting collagen into their lips. Wo. Horrid sia...... What's so nice bout thick lips? I hate my lips for one reason..... Bleahs.
Okay.... shall end here.. My jap show ending soon.........
buy me a tiara and some stars;
2:19:00 PM
Hearing:
Yay! Linkin Park's faint~! Haha.
Changed the background music to that.. Took Qing Tian off. Getting kinda bored of Qing Tian. Amanda's back to normal!! Haha. Cooked cup noodles just now cause I felt hungry.. after the faint dinner.
Was feeling faint the whole day. Water still taste funny.. my throat aint getting any better.. How.............~!
Class outing...!! Wanna have it soon! I miss everyone. Boo hoo. ='(
Argh. Feel like struggling Zalena can. All because of her, our class outing had to be postponed. I hate it! I hate her!
Cut my hair myself just now.. Basically, my fringe. Cause it was getting long.. and was irritating me.. So went to snip snip a 'lil just now.. haha. Pro hairstylist.
Hmm... Thinking of changing the pic.. the big one on my blog to a Chester one.. and change the color of the scroll bar and font and line colors. Chester! My favourite LP member. The lead singer. So shuai..
Chester~!
Ahahaha. Damn. My shoulders aching. Feel so fucked up. Saw this article about this ugly guy's mommie finding out bout his bloggie. Haha. So what man. You have a online diary is meant for people to read... But! Restictions, restrictions. You cant type whatever you want on your online bloggie. Like when I wanna bad mouth someone.. I cant. Cause if that person ever reads about it. I'm so dead. Yeah....
And she was online just now.. Ai ta bu hui bian.. Bu hui bian... =)
Maybe someday.. just someday.. I might forget about her. And someday, I might let all this go..
And so someday I hope, all will be back to normal. The young and innocent me. Living in a blank world. Carrying a blank expression so I could paint whatever feelings I want.. But, right now. Life aint good. I will carry on living. Dreaming big. Zhong you yi tian.. wo you shu yu wo de tian. Someday, I will have a piece of sky that belongs to me. Will I? I dont know..
Cause life's like a stage play. Everyone's acting. No one will ever know who's real and who's not. Humans are emotional creatures. The only species who can have ultimate control over feelings. My looks can be deceiving. I learnt it from everyone I meet. People from different walks of life. I need a stressful life. So I wouldn't think of stuff. Stuff like her.
Hearing:
And I suppose wo shi ge sha gua. Ai zhe yi ge bu dong wo de xin de ren. Ta ba wo yi wang la. "Bie zai xiang ta..."
Gao su wo ba. Zhe me bu xiang. Jiu, jiu wo ba.. Save me from falling too deep. But I've already fallen too deep. Sighs.
I like Ren Fu's voice. =)
-Laughs-
Actually, this sunday.. I wanted to go before Ed asked me too.... Wanted to go see Ren Fu..... Yeah... Toopiak me. Shuo ni sha.. wo cai sha ne. Shall go ps to pierce my ear this sunday. Yep. Yep.
After this week, when I free... Shall go get my books and shop for clothes. Oh. Next week... going cycling. Mcpeppers' back! Love that burger can.... Then there's this new burger for breakfast. SLT mcmuffin. What the hell is that? Weird name..... Enough bout food. Why's my entry today so crappy? Shall leave you with this:
"Models walk with blank faces.. so the audience could paint any expression they want on them."
buy me a tiara and some stars;
12:09:00 AM
Friday, November 14, 2003
Hearing:
I'm sick~! Slept like the whole day.. Woke up at 10. Ate the carrote cake Grandmama bought. Ate only like.. less then 1/4 of it. About 3 mini mouthfuls. Felt like vomitting.. So threw away the rest. And went back to bed at 11.. missed care bears[!!] Argh. Was running a temperature. Slept till 5. Got up because I felt like puking.. And my back was hurting big time. And my head was spinning... Now, my ears feel stuck.
Still feel like puking though. Ate dinner.. not much. Couldn't finish the 3 spoonfuls of rice. Yep.
Toro arrived today.. Wei bo's at hmv. Who cares? Dont feel good today..
And so I guess I'll end here.. Nothing to blog.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
7:08:00 PM
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Hearing:
Just watched 15.. downloading half way though.. Think left bout.. half an hour of it to download.. The show was... Nice yet lame. FUnny sia.. Cant stand it. All the gang cheer and everything. Hmm.. Nice show. You know, people say that gangsters are... bad. Their lives are.. ya. But you see.. if you say their lives are messed up. Think bout yours. Boring life you have.. Yeah. People always say my life is so fucked up..... getting into trouble and stuff. But I enjoy it. Haha.
Man.. the censor board shouldn't have rated 15 R(A). They shouldn't even rate it. Maybe just.. PG? So I can go watch... Yeah.. Nice show.
Didn't have a good night yesterday.. Woke up in the middle of my sleep to.. use the toilet. Had bad tummy ache..... Argh....
Care bears were on this morning!! Ahahahaha. I love care bears can.. Oh. Ed ask me to go with her to the 5566 thingy at atrium.. And to take the first train down.. Dowan! So early.. Haha. Never mind. The last time 5566 was at bishan open plaza I took the first train down too. =) Crazy? Yeah.. you bet I am. But I wanna go see wei bo too. But nobody want to go.. they all wanna go see 5566. Sighs. Actually, there's someone who's going.. but I dont wanna go with her... Yep. Cause I'm always left alone. But Ed, Pui they all wont leave me alone de.. Yeppers. That's what I call true friends. Heard that O's ending soon..
Haven seen her for a super super long time. Fishy asked me a toopid question that day.. "Do you still think of her...." Like duh. The day I wont think of her is the day I would open bottles of champange to celebrate. So I guess.. yeah. If I was invisible.. Then I could just watch you in your room.. If I was invisible..I'd make you mine
tonight. If hearts were unbreakable. Then I can just tell you where I stand. If I was invisible. Wait..I already am. In her eyes, I already am..
So does she hear me? Does she see me?
Thinking of this, the day before school hols. Gan was talking about unpure and unhealthy relationships. I mean.. lesbianism? Unpure? I dont think so... Well, if I chose to be that way.. you cant change me. And then I think she said something about body piercing... Multiple ear holes and stuff. I call this.. Body art. Cause my body is like a piece of scrap paper. I carve, I cut. I pierce, I draw. My body is my masterpiece. Ah..
And like before..
How did I fall in love with her..
So God. Forgive me for living this way.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
1:13:00 PM
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Hearing:
Guilty - Blue
I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty
I wanna give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy
I never wanted to live a lie
If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty
Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
Then I'm guilty
What am I supposed to do
Then I'm guilty
All I wanna do is speak my mind
Gulity
Then I'm guilty
I'm prepared to testify
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
I'm Guilty
Hearing:
Finally! Finally done with this blog.. Just a few more touches here and there..
The lyrics to 'guilty' very meaningful. Written by Duncan =) My shuai ge..
She just signed in... into msn that is. Haven talked to her since I added her..
Cant do it.
Dont have the courage to.. Msg her the other day.. and she didn't even know who I was.. Well, bad? Good? I dont know.. you decide.
Jac's outta town! I miss her.. Haha.
And I miss my mummy..
And her too..
But there's nothing I can do. So save me. And help me.. get these feelings out of me. I will die of hurt if I carrying on this way. I dont ask alot. I only want her to talk to me.. naive? Maybe..
And I carried on waiting.. cause waiting is all I can do..
The harder I try, the more I cant forget. Remembered the times on the bus.. in the rain.. in school. Remembered the handshake at the very first gb session I went. You shook hands with me.. And that's when everything started. Is there anything I can do? It's been two years or so.. Through all the tears that I've shed.. I'll never regret anything.. For I know there's someone here with me.. going through all these with me.. and that's Jac. =) And Fishy who helped me find out every single thing I wanted to know about her..
And like a once in a lifetime.. she changed my world.
Hearing:westlife - I lay my love on you.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
6:51:00 PM
Look at the fucking time right now.. 0211hrs. And I'm not getting to bed.. Sighs. Cant sleep. Was going to brush my teeth when I stared out to look at the sky..
It was covered with stars. Beauty at it's greatest.
Hmm.. got a message from ma's sister.. about this christmas job thingy. At her pub. Asking if I wanna go work there.. well, no way am I wasting my christmas at a pub working as a waiteress. Too complicated, I guess. 14 year old.. working.. at a pub?! Ah.. that's something new..
Mummy sure to blow sia. Haha. Man.. back ache.
I was right. My problem's coming back...!! Argh. I hate it.. How on earth did I hurt myself anyway? I dont even know. Sighs. But, I like injuries. =) Wanna sprain my ankle and break a bone..
Wanna get some tattoos too. When I have the money, though. Have gotta get my third hole on the left pierced befor chinese new year. And to pluck some courage up to pierce the piece of thingy on my ear.. Kinda dont know what's it called. Sheesh.
Will be studying bio next year.. Yay!! My favourite subject. =) Oh.. know of the human body exibition? I wanna go~! But mummy dont want to pei me go.. It's okay..
Buskers' festival's here on the 15th!! Cant wait. Today or rather yesterday was Charlotte mei's birthday..! She's 14!! Hooray!
buy me a tiara and some stars;
2:16:00 AM
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Okay.. here I am.. Finally got this thingy done. Yep. Something happened to my diaryland.. Happened because of me! Argh. So angry with myself.. Anyways..
Nothing much to say today. Oh, if I've left out anyone in da links.. do tell me.
I'm getting tired sitting infront of the computer for like..
4 hours[?!]
Alright, come back.. when I have things to say. Ta da.
[lo st in th e pe a ce o f dar kn ess trap pe d in t he so u l of a ch il d b eaut y los s es i ts wa y in n oce nce g oe s a st r ay]
buy me a tiara and some stars;
8:21:00 PM
Friday, November 28, 2003
Hearing:
Being lazy again.. Haven been updating huh. Lol. Was watching Holland V earlier.. Yang Xiong's actions made me think of her.. I cried though. What can I do? Loving in silence.. Tried hard to forget. Tried hard to let go. Almost succeed.. But failed anyway.
But it's okay. I guess time heals everything. I'll forget bout her in no time at all...
Nothing much today.
Had supper with family.... Went to open letter box after it. Found a letter addressed
to ME. Hmm.... Interesting. "Edusave Merit Bursary" First thought: Money ar?
Cant be sia.... I so lousy. Government give me money for what?!
But I wasn't wrong... not totally wrong.
It was for some dunno what top 10% pupils who performed well academically or shown improvement blah blah blah. Not sure la. Read till forget le... So anyway. We just have to apply for it. And if we get it.... then, good news. Cause I suppose if next year I get top 10%..... I'll have $250. Cool.
So...... Amanda, gambatte neh. I'll work hard. I wont let anyone down. Especially if I got money take. Wahahahahahah!
Okay.
I'll let this lonely place with this short entry...
So much on my boring life.
Ta-ta!
Catch ya 'round..........
SOON.
I hope. \/peace
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Hearing:
Agrh............. Stupid mosqito. Itching like mad. And I found out. My shuai shuai de's only 18. Haha. Temp stuff like me =) Went to the Singapore Blooms on Sunday with family.. Was trying real hard to hide my face in order not to let anyone regconise me. But I failed anyway. So decided not to hide anymore. My shuai shuai de regconised me. "Hey.. That's one of our stuff....." Haha. And for the past few days.. On my way to work, was listening to Energy's previous cds. Listened to their first album. If only they could do another album up to this kinda standard.. They all sounded so... innocent. And look at them now. Sighs. Guess this what popularity can do to you. I want the old them back~! And how friends fell out with one another because of money. Kinda stupid. But it happened to me before. Lost a dear friend cause of M.O.N.E.Y. Didn't think it was stupid last time. But now.. since I've grown up quite abit. I find it stupid. And I found that dear friend on friendster..
Gonna get my books on Saturday. Ah.... finally. I gonna study. Real hard. For next year and for N's. If I'm lucky... I'll get to do my O's. And get to poly. And maybe work for a year.. Once I saved enough, I go to Uni. But all these are just empty talk. I'll try my best though. To get my ass a place in the Uni. I have to.... To get a good job and live a good life. Wanna give my mama a good life too.....
So anyway. Been very lazy these few days. Didn't blog. Cause didn't feel like coming online. Been MIA for 5 days. And right now, I'm hungry. Wanna go for dinner...... *smiles* "So hold me... and never let me go.. Cause I'll be loving. I'll be loving you forever and ever...."
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Hearing:
Yay!! Finally.. First time online since the day I started work. And typing feels so comfy. Haha. Working was... alright. Very tired that's all. Though only worked for 4.5 hours. But. 5.80 an hour so.. I'll persevre. Yeah. Count ticket stubs till I dream bout it. Sheesh. Met lots of people. Nice ones. Bad ones. Most were.. Nice. Friendly. My shuai shuai de said 'bye' to me yesterday.. Haha. And nope. He's not a part timer like me. He works for the company I think. Whatever company it is. Sembcorp? Nah. Epc? I dont know.... Got kinda noticed him cause of his specs. Haha. And no! I didn't sell tees~!! I was at the ticketing counter today and most of the time. Yesterday was counting ticket stubs. The day before was at the hall of blooms.. opening and closing doors for people. Done the tearing of tickets during one day. Not sure which day. Three more days and I'm free... Working is tough. It's my first, ya? My other shuai shuai de didn't come today.. Not sure if I'm able to see him tomorrow. Ehahaha. The security person was so bored today that he helped with the coupons and site maps. But stopped after awhile. He's pretty lame. Especially yesterday. "........Papaya in purple plastic bag..." "Huh? I cant hear you. Please speak louder" Bleahs. So, he repeated and repeated. We all sat there and am cio. *Bish. Maybe he was shy... I suppose he was talking about this female customer. Today was not a bad day. Yesterday was worse. Today had the familar people around me.. Talked and laughed. Especially bout this guy who signed off as "the stupid idiot who paid $5 to see some stupid flowers" Whahahahaha. Yeah. I admit. It's a lil expensive. Since it's just flowers. You see flowers everywhere here in Singapore. Greenary's everywhere. Hope tomorrow's just like today. Fun.. time passed rather fast today. Counted ticket stubs for awhile. Changed duties with this jc guy. Yep. Had no customers so went over to help so they could finish faster and go home. I've seen flowers for four days in a row. Boring... Haha. Was beside the ticketing counter yesterday when two sembcorp stuff came to take over at the issueing of tix. Man. Those two are... really. Puke sia. Complain and ask so many questions. "What if a problem arises. Who's responsible?" Stupid fool. How do you expect to close accounts in the middle of the day when the crowd's pouring in? Fools.
I worked for only four days and I already know everything. Haha. Krisflyers to tear tix from a different booklet. Ntuc income holders are to go to Bras Pasar to get their discounts. Senior citizens 60 and above are entitled to a 50% discounts. That's 2.50 per ticket. Child is 3-6. Haha. I even helped out Joanne who was doing the issueing of tix. It's her first time.. She keeps forgetting that Krisflyers are to be torn from another booklet. Yeah..
Other then work, work, work.. Nothing else. All that revolves round my world now is work. But it's at the Esplanade.. so it's alright. Cause I love that place. Yay. Met Jacintha there today. She was so surprised that I was working there. Haha. At least the pay's not so bad. It's good, I should say. After sunday.. will be resting for a week before I start hunting for another job. Money. Here I come. Haha. Started my friendster thingy. She has one too.. she's on my sis' account. Cant add here cause I cant. Simple as that. Yep. I cant, I cant, I cant. Haven seen my friends for a long time now... Cause of work, cant make it to go out with them today. Argh. Should have ask if I could swop shifts. Bleahs.... I dont think so. Just a 14 year old... Argh. Why cant I be older. You see, the older part timers seem to be given more piorities and speaking space. I dont see them ordering those peeps to do stuff. And me? Urgh. It's ugly. Corrupted world. Equality's missing. "..We pledge to keep our nation free with justice and EQUALITY......" Ya. What a shitified talk. Then, I learnt something.. Public relations is a fun thing. Meet this lady.. who issued tix. Was working along side with her. She's mixed, I think. Abit of a idian. She spoke some chinese which I thought was pretty cool. HAha. At least it's biao jun. Haha. So... I guess this all makes up for the three days I went missing. =P Just pray that everything goes well like today and that I wont be stuck counting ticket stubs. *crosses fingers*
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Hearing:
My arms are aching..... Dont know why. I'm tired and sleepy. And no, didn't get surf shorts today.. Cause we went to np one.. and there wasn't many. Yep. So.. didn't see one I really, really liked. The result? Didn't get any. Duh.
Anyway, I'm starting on my first job tomorrow.. at I dont know where. At esplanade I suppose. Cousie never say... Will be selling tees. Haha. Will find out more tomorrow. Man... Tomorrow must wake up super early. 9 must be ready. *Bish..
Got job. No freedom. Ah.... That's life. I feel life.. finally. [Urgh... My feet stinks. -.-]
Kinda..... excited bout it? I dont know... Half excited, half scared. Cause I dont know what I'll be doing. And I dont really like meeting people. As in..... salesperson sort of thingy. Got phobia.... But anyways. Meeting more people and enlarging my social circle is nice. =) My social circle is really really small sia. I suppose it's partly because I dont have a cca. Well, just started out on this friendster thingy. Cause Pauline asked me too. And I know if I say I dont want. She'll bug till I agree. And it was 2am when we messaged. Yeah........ My beauty sleep.. *Poof! Gone............ Blebbers. I'm nuts~
Overall, today was pretty nice. Except for the 5566 part. No.... Went home before they came. Partly because I cant find Edith and there's no cd.. and my sticky-ness was killing me. And..... I was pushed all the way to da back. And I mean back. Man.... I suppose this was the worst. Cause the part when everyone started pushing.... And squeezing. I was squashed. And it felt like someone squeezing your lungs. Exiting all passages for air. Felt so puctured. Haha. But.. while queueing.. it was fun. Sat down.. Talk, talk, talk and talk. Mostly about that 'woman' and other stuff... like exams and so. The worst was...... when that 'woman' called Ed about this 5566 thingy. Cant really remember the details. Then... when Ed said she's with me, Amanda. She was like,"Amanda?" "...Yeah.. Amanda". Somehow.. she couldn't believe. Then, "Amanda? MY Amanda?" "Ya. Amanda". Hey... excuse me. Since when have I become YOURS? Man...... I was so grossed out the whole day. Pi. Dont wanna be yours and yours alone. I belong to my mama and everyone who loves me equally. *smiles. So anyway. That 'woman' couldn't link me and Ed together. She thinks we're some strangers. And no..... we're not. We DO stay in contact. Unlike some peeps who contact others only when needed. And that needed stands for when she benefits from it. Argh. Corruptable. And I've learnt a valuble lesson from that taka thingy where I got so dark. Never to trust someone so easily and so much. Now I know who my real friends are. Real friends never leave someone down and out. Reals friends dont make use of you. Wo xin li you shu. Shui dui wo hao, shui dui wo bu hao..... wo yi qing er chu. And sorry gurlie, you're not my real friend. And I'm being nice to you because I find you pathetic. Hopefully one day, she'll wake up and find no one beside her. No friends, no foes. You're by yourself, honey. You're by yourself. Pathetic moron.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Hearing:
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.
His name is Jin.
I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved
each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side,
there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl...
"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.
"I can't"
"Why? You need to study at home?" I felt disappointment grabbing me.
"No.. I am going to meet a friend..."
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word 'love' only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say 'I love you' before. To us, there weren't any anniversaries at
all. He didn't say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days..
200days... Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don't know why...
Then one day...
Me: Um, Jin, I ...
Jin: What....don't drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ......you....um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my 'three words' and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many...
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But... lunch passed, dinner passed.. and soon the sky was
dark.. he still didn't call............. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin...
Jin: Here..take this.......
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What's this?
Jin: I didn't give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I'm going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted...
"Wait..."
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me...
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
"I don't want to say...that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else."
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb...and I collapsed to the ground. He didn't want to say it easily..
How could he.... I felt that... Maybe he is not the right guy for me... After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn't call me, although I was
waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house.
That's how those dolls piled up in my room... everyday After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that... I saw him on a street..with another girl.. He had a smile on his face, one that he never
showed me..as he touched the doll.. I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell... Why did he gave these to me... Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls... In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that.. it's going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn't help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual...
Me: I don't need it.
Jin: What....why....
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don't need this doll, I don't need it anymore!! I don't want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
"I'm sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll.....
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
Then...
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
"Jin! Move! Move away!" I shouted....
But he didn't hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
"Jin, move!"
HONK~!!
"Boom!" That sound, so terrifying.
That's how he went away from me. That's how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me. After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him.. And after spending two months like a crazy person... I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we
started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days... when we were in love.....
"One...two.... three.."
That was how.... I started to count the dolls....
"Four hundred and eighty four.... four hundred and eighty five...."
It all ended with 485 dolls. I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms.
I hugged it tightly, then suddenly.....
"I love you~, I love you~"
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
"I...lo..ve...you??"
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
"I love you~ I love you~"
It can't be! I pressed all the dolls' stomach as it piled on the side.
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
Those words came out non-stop.
I....love you.....
Why didn't I realize that............. That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn't I realize that he love me this much... I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it's stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much....
"Jo...Do you know what today is? We've been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn't say I love you... Um... since I was too shy.. If you
forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you... everyday... till I die.... Jo... I love you...."
The tears came flowing out of me............. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can't be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute... For that.... and for that reason.... to me.. it became courage.. to live a beautiful life....
Tore this story from an email my cousie sent me... Touching huh. I realised something.... I cry easily these days. And I wanna tell the whole world that I love you. Yes, you. The one reading. I wanna say thanks for everything. And I love you though I never met you. For if tomorrow never comes.. I'll leave with no regrets. I love you.....! Had this poem during lit lesson sometime back.. The Death Machine. Then.. Pauline said "Amanda's favourite.." Guess 'death' been on my lips very often. Face it. Death aint scary. The scariest part is leaving without anyone knowing. Leaving regretting you haven't told the one you've loved with all your heart.. I love you. So right here.... I wanna say. I love you. I dont care if you bother or not. I dont care if you dont know..... I love you and always will. Dont say a thing. Cause I cant handle the truth. And one day....
One day, I believe I'll get over this and live a beautiful life. And find someone worthy of my love....
Received this on fridae from a bung: hi.. saw what you wrote...take heart. Be strong. there will be love for you. take care.
There'll be love for me.......? There will... So stop wasting time on some freaking arsehole..... I cant. I just cant..
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Hearing:
Ahahahaha. My marder so mean. Heex. Said something bout my sis' shorts lining. She cut it away.. I think. Then she said.. eh, cut *beep* hair. Whahahaha.
So mean. Okay, whatever.
Hmm.... slept at 4.30 this morning.. woke up at 9.30. Couldn't sleep! Remember I mention I slept till 5? Okay.. Maybe I didn't. Wasn't feeling well yesterday after I woke up at ten... Yeah... I did mention it. Bleahs. I cant wait for tomorrow~! No.. not because of 5566. But cause of what's happening after it. Will be going to OP with family after the 5566 thingy. Getting surf shorts. Hopefully the one I like is still there........ Water still tastes funny. My throat still feels the same. Argh..... I'll most probably fall sick after tomorrow's thingy. Stomach pain now ar.... I missed X-men evolution today!! So angry can... but didn't miss Spongebob. Manage to watched it though got a lil phobia of that sponge thing. Yeah...
Was surfing the net yesterday. Saw this plastic surgery thing on blogger. Clicked on it.. Ya. It was... funny! Celebs putting collagen into their lips. Wo. Horrid sia...... What's so nice bout thick lips? I hate my lips for one reason..... Bleahs.
Okay.... shall end here.. My jap show ending soon.........
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Hearing:
Yay! Linkin Park's faint~! Haha.
Changed the background music to that.. Took Qing Tian off. Getting kinda bored of Qing Tian. Amanda's back to normal!! Haha. Cooked cup noodles just now cause I felt hungry.. after the faint dinner.
Was feeling faint the whole day. Water still taste funny.. my throat aint getting any better.. How.............~!
Class outing...!! Wanna have it soon! I miss everyone. Boo hoo. ='(
Argh. Feel like struggling Zalena can. All because of her, our class outing had to be postponed. I hate it! I hate her!
Cut my hair myself just now.. Basically, my fringe. Cause it was getting long.. and was irritating me.. So went to snip snip a 'lil just now.. haha. Pro hairstylist.
Hmm... Thinking of changing the pic.. the big one on my blog to a Chester one.. and change the color of the scroll bar and font and line colors. Chester! My favourite LP member. The lead singer. So shuai..
Chester~!
Ahahaha. Damn. My shoulders aching. Feel so fucked up. Saw this article about this ugly guy's mommie finding out bout his bloggie. Haha. So what man. You have a online diary is meant for people to read... But! Restictions, restrictions. You cant type whatever you want on your online bloggie. Like when I wanna bad mouth someone.. I cant. Cause if that person ever reads about it. I'm so dead. Yeah....
And she was online just now.. Ai ta bu hui bian.. Bu hui bian... =)
Maybe someday.. just someday.. I might forget about her. And someday, I might let all this go..
And so someday I hope, all will be back to normal. The young and innocent me. Living in a blank world. Carrying a blank expression so I could paint whatever feelings I want.. But, right now. Life aint good. I will carry on living. Dreaming big. Zhong you yi tian.. wo you shu yu wo de tian. Someday, I will have a piece of sky that belongs to me. Will I? I dont know..
Cause life's like a stage play. Everyone's acting. No one will ever know who's real and who's not. Humans are emotional creatures. The only species who can have ultimate control over feelings. My looks can be deceiving. I learnt it from everyone I meet. People from different walks of life. I need a stressful life. So I wouldn't think of stuff. Stuff like her.
Hearing:
And I suppose wo shi ge sha gua. Ai zhe yi ge bu dong wo de xin de ren. Ta ba wo yi wang la. "Bie zai xiang ta..."
Gao su wo ba. Zhe me bu xiang. Jiu, jiu wo ba.. Save me from falling too deep. But I've already fallen too deep. Sighs.
I like Ren Fu's voice. =)
-Laughs-
Actually, this sunday.. I wanted to go before Ed asked me too.... Wanted to go see Ren Fu..... Yeah... Toopiak me. Shuo ni sha.. wo cai sha ne. Shall go ps to pierce my ear this sunday. Yep. Yep.
After this week, when I free... Shall go get my books and shop for clothes. Oh. Next week... going cycling. Mcpeppers' back! Love that burger can.... Then there's this new burger for breakfast. SLT mcmuffin. What the hell is that? Weird name..... Enough bout food. Why's my entry today so crappy? Shall leave you with this:
"Models walk with blank faces.. so the audience could paint any expression they want on them."
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Friday, November 14, 2003
Hearing:
I'm sick~! Slept like the whole day.. Woke up at 10. Ate the carrote cake Grandmama bought. Ate only like.. less then 1/4 of it. About 3 mini mouthfuls. Felt like vomitting.. So threw away the rest. And went back to bed at 11.. missed care bears[!!] Argh. Was running a temperature. Slept till 5. Got up because I felt like puking.. And my back was hurting big time. And my head was spinning... Now, my ears feel stuck.
Still feel like puking though. Ate dinner.. not much. Couldn't finish the 3 spoonfuls of rice. Yep.
Toro arrived today.. Wei bo's at hmv. Who cares? Dont feel good today..
And so I guess I'll end here.. Nothing to blog.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Hearing:
Just watched 15.. downloading half way though.. Think left bout.. half an hour of it to download.. The show was... Nice yet lame. FUnny sia.. Cant stand it. All the gang cheer and everything. Hmm.. Nice show. You know, people say that gangsters are... bad. Their lives are.. ya. But you see.. if you say their lives are messed up. Think bout yours. Boring life you have.. Yeah. People always say my life is so fucked up..... getting into trouble and stuff. But I enjoy it. Haha.
Man.. the censor board shouldn't have rated 15 R(A). They shouldn't even rate it. Maybe just.. PG? So I can go watch... Yeah.. Nice show.
Didn't have a good night yesterday.. Woke up in the middle of my sleep to.. use the toilet. Had bad tummy ache..... Argh....
Care bears were on this morning!! Ahahahaha. I love care bears can.. Oh. Ed ask me to go with her to the 5566 thingy at atrium.. And to take the first train down.. Dowan! So early.. Haha. Never mind. The last time 5566 was at bishan open plaza I took the first train down too. =) Crazy? Yeah.. you bet I am. But I wanna go see wei bo too. But nobody want to go.. they all wanna go see 5566. Sighs. Actually, there's someone who's going.. but I dont wanna go with her... Yep. Cause I'm always left alone. But Ed, Pui they all wont leave me alone de.. Yeppers. That's what I call true friends. Heard that O's ending soon..
Haven seen her for a super super long time. Fishy asked me a toopid question that day.. "Do you still think of her...." Like duh. The day I wont think of her is the day I would open bottles of champange to celebrate. So I guess.. yeah. If I was invisible.. Then I could just watch you in your room.. If I was invisible..I'd make you mine
tonight. If hearts were unbreakable. Then I can just tell you where I stand. If I was invisible. Wait..I already am. In her eyes, I already am..
So does she hear me? Does she see me?
Thinking of this, the day before school hols. Gan was talking about unpure and unhealthy relationships. I mean.. lesbianism? Unpure? I dont think so... Well, if I chose to be that way.. you cant change me. And then I think she said something about body piercing... Multiple ear holes and stuff. I call this.. Body art. Cause my body is like a piece of scrap paper. I carve, I cut. I pierce, I draw. My body is my masterpiece. Ah..
And like before..
How did I fall in love with her..
So God. Forgive me for living this way.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Hearing:
Guilty - Blue
I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty
I wanna give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy
I never wanted to live a lie
If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty
Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
Then I'm guilty
What am I supposed to do
Then I'm guilty
All I wanna do is speak my mind
Gulity
Then I'm guilty
I'm prepared to testify
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
I'm Guilty
Hearing:
Finally! Finally done with this blog.. Just a few more touches here and there..
The lyrics to 'guilty' very meaningful. Written by Duncan =) My shuai ge..
She just signed in... into msn that is. Haven talked to her since I added her..
Cant do it.
Dont have the courage to.. Msg her the other day.. and she didn't even know who I was.. Well, bad? Good? I dont know.. you decide.
Jac's outta town! I miss her.. Haha.
And I miss my mummy..
And her too..
But there's nothing I can do. So save me. And help me.. get these feelings out of me. I will die of hurt if I carrying on this way. I dont ask alot. I only want her to talk to me.. naive? Maybe..
And I carried on waiting.. cause waiting is all I can do..
The harder I try, the more I cant forget. Remembered the times on the bus.. in the rain.. in school. Remembered the handshake at the very first gb session I went. You shook hands with me.. And that's when everything started. Is there anything I can do? It's been two years or so.. Through all the tears that I've shed.. I'll never regret anything.. For I know there's someone here with me.. going through all these with me.. and that's Jac. =) And Fishy who helped me find out every single thing I wanted to know about her..
And like a once in a lifetime.. she changed my world.
Hearing:westlife - I lay my love on you.
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Look at the fucking time right now.. 0211hrs. And I'm not getting to bed.. Sighs. Cant sleep. Was going to brush my teeth when I stared out to look at the sky..
It was covered with stars. Beauty at it's greatest.
Hmm.. got a message from ma's sister.. about this christmas job thingy. At her pub. Asking if I wanna go work there.. well, no way am I wasting my christmas at a pub working as a waiteress. Too complicated, I guess. 14 year old.. working.. at a pub?! Ah.. that's something new..
Mummy sure to blow sia. Haha. Man.. back ache.
I was right. My problem's coming back...!! Argh. I hate it.. How on earth did I hurt myself anyway? I dont even know. Sighs. But, I like injuries. =) Wanna sprain my ankle and break a bone..
Wanna get some tattoos too. When I have the money, though. Have gotta get my third hole on the left pierced befor chinese new year. And to pluck some courage up to pierce the piece of thingy on my ear.. Kinda dont know what's it called. Sheesh.
Will be studying bio next year.. Yay!! My favourite subject. =) Oh.. know of the human body exibition? I wanna go~! But mummy dont want to pei me go.. It's okay..
Buskers' festival's here on the 15th!! Cant wait. Today or rather yesterday was Charlotte mei's birthday..! She's 14!! Hooray!
buy me a tiara and some stars;
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Okay.. here I am.. Finally got this thingy done. Yep. Something happened to my diaryland.. Happened because of me! Argh. So angry with myself.. Anyways..
Nothing much to say today. Oh, if I've left out anyone in da links.. do tell me.
I'm getting tired sitting infront of the computer for like..
4 hours[?!]
Alright, come back.. when I have things to say. Ta da.
[lo st in th e pe a ce o f dar kn ess trap pe d in t he so u l of a ch il d b eaut y los s es i ts wa y in n oce nce g oe s a st r ay]
buy me a tiara and some stars;
_amanda:
coded 12;
her king;
swirlies;
glitter;
stars;
tortisefamily.
